Be Still My Heart What If?
by ShadowOfApate
Summary: What if Weaver had ended up working instead of taking the day off?
1. Default Chapter Title

Title: Be Still My Heart What If?   
Rating: Pg-13/R   
Pairing: Kerry, Lucy, Carter   
Beta Readers: Scotty Welles and Leyla.   
  
Notes: This part was actually ready to be posted several days ago, however Real Life took an unexpected turn. Meaning the only pair of glasses I own snapped in two while I was doing 60 down the interstate, and my new pair won't be ready until sometime next week...*heavy sigh*. Don't ask how I managed to write this paragraph.   
  
Disclaimer: They're mine and you can't have them. * sticks tongue out *   
  
  
  
Lucy charged through one room after another, searching   
for Carter. All day he'd left her on her own, not supervising her or   
even letting her have more than a minute of his time. Not that she   
didn't appreciate the freedom she got in return, it was just she'd have   
felt better if she'd had a net to catch her if she screwed up.   
  
The short conversation she had managed to have with him had been one   
sentence consisting of him saying she could handle it and that he was   
busy. Which was fine for him; he wasn't the one that had no idea what   
was wrong with his patient.   
  
She stormed from trauma room one into trauma room two but there was no sign   
of him. Indesperation, she meet Dr. Greene's eyes hopefully. "Dr. Greene I...."   
  
"Not now, Lucy."   
  
Lucy clutched the chart to her chest. It seemed like no one was willing to give her   
a minute of their time. "But..."   
  
"Why don't you go find Carter?"   
  
Lucy's shoulders slumped as she stalked out of the trauma and marched   
into the hall, muttering under her breath. "I have been."   
  
Frustrated, Lucy wished that Dr. Weaver was working instead of Dr. Greene. The chief of the ER was always willing to take the time to answer questions when Lucy needed an opinion or any assistance. But Dr. Weaver wasn't working today, and Lucy wasn't sure where else to turn.   
  
  
  
Kerry inched her way to the elevator doors and peeked out, making sure   
everyone was distracted. It was Valentine's Day, one of the worst days   
of the year to work the ER. Everyone was too cheerful, too happy. It didn't   
suit her mood. And she was not going to get caught working in the middle   
of all of that love and emotion.   
  
Taking one slow step out, she took off at a half-jog toward the doors.   
Ten yards... five yards... She could already feel the cold metal and   
glass of the doors beneath her gloved hands. Clenching the forgotten files   
tighter to her body, she reached out and...   
  
"DR. WEAVER!!!"   
  
'Oh damn. Just ignore her and she'll go away.' Kerry kept moving,   
with no hint of slowing down. She was just about at the doors. All   
she had to do was make it to the bay.   
  
"Dr. Weaver, wait..."   
  
Kerry paused at the desperation in the enthusiastic voice. She couldn't   
shake the guilt she still felt at having to give up her mentoring the   
young girl. She owed Lucy to at least hear her out. Giving in to the   
nagging voice of reason, she turned to the student. "I'm not working tonight."   
  
"It'll only take a moment..."   
  
Kerry scanned the ER with a sinking feeling. Everyone was running and   
dodging through the halls. The residents and attendings were shouting   
out orders without slowing down. Taking in Lucy's frustration, she   
would guess that everyone had thrown her out on her own without a net.   
" Make it fast Lucy."   
  
Lucy relaxed and handed her the abused chart. "My patient's complaining   
of a continuous headache, nausea, pain around his eyes, but no fever."   
  
Kerry scanned the chart, already shifting into her doctor mode. "What   
are you thinking?"   
  
"That's the problem, every test I've run so far has come back normal."   
  
Kerry glanced over at the doors. Five more seconds and she would've   
been free... "All right, I'll take a look at him, just let me put my   
purse in the lounge."   
  
The relief on Lucy's face was obvious. "Thank you, Dr. Weaver. I   
really appreciate your help!"   
  
Kerry watched the young woman take off toward the exam room. She had   
been like that once. Questioning everything and anything. Always   
needing to know why things happened. She'd gone through eight residents   
and attendings before she finally ended with Gabe. They had all been   
annoyed with her enthusiasm and each time they would pass her off to   
someone else.   
  
Gabe had seen what was happening and finally intervened. He had been an   
incredible teacher. Patient and compassionate. Able to spend hours   
lecturing on anything from a mole to brain surgery and making it sound   
like the most unique experience in the universe. In return, all he'd   
wanted of her was for her to follow her dreams, and pass on what he   
taught her. It had been a promise she'd made to him, the last promise   
she'd made to him.   
  
Kerry dumped her stuff in her locker and grabbed her lab coat. Maybe it   
was time she considered taking Lucy under her wing again.   
  
  
  
Lucy entered exam three feeling much more relaxed, especially knowing that Dr. Weaver was going to give take a look at her patient. Hopefully they would be able to figure out what was wrong and get him out of here soon.   
  
Sobriki was pacing around the room like an animal trapped in a cage.   
His hands were clenching and unclenching.   
  
" Paul, you need to lay back down. Dr. Weaver is going to examine   
you."   
  
The bloodshot eyes were suspicious. "Why can't you do it?"   
  
"I would feel better if we got a second opinion, and Dr. Weaver is one   
of our best doctors."   
  
He moved to the blinds and eyed the people passing by in the halls. Was that fear flickering in his eyes? Lucy wondered. "I don't want anyone to hurt me..."   
  
"No one's going to hurt you." Lucy gently put her arm around him and   
guided him toward the bed. His body seemed rigid and jumpy under her   
touch.   
  
He jumped as the door opened and Dr. Weaver entered. "All right, let's   
see what we've got..."   
  
Paul wrenched away from Lucy, muttering softly to himself. "I won't let   
you hurt me..." He started to back away, getting more and more   
aggitated. His eyes focused on the crutch. "You want to hurt me..."   
  
"I'm not going to hurt you. I assure you I'm completely harmless."   
Kerry slowly leaned the crutch against the wall, sensing it was just   
making things worse. She made eye contact with Lucy and motioned   
towards the patient. He seemed to trust her on some level.   
  
"This is Dr. Weaver. She's the doctor I was telling you about." Lucy   
started to reach for him, wanting to convey trust through her touch.   
  
Paul took a step back and doubled over. The two women jumped back   
against the sudden outpour from him. Lucy glanced up at Dr. Weaver, at   
a complete loss. Up until that moment there had been no physical   
evidence of him being sick.   
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

Title: Be Still My Heart What If?   
Part:2/?   
Rating: Pg-13/R   
Pairing: Kerry, Lucy, Carter   
Beta Readers: Scotty Welles   
  
Notes: This part was actually ready to be posted several days ago, however Real Life took an unexpected turn. Meaning the only pair of glasses I own snapped in two while I was doing 60 down the interstate, and my new pair won't be ready until sometime next week...*heavy sigh*. Don't ask how I managed to write this paragraph.   
  
Disclaimer: They're mine and you can't have them. * sticks tongue out *   
  
  
  
  
Kerry tightened her arms around the yelling man. He was incredibly   
strong and she had no doubt that he could be dangerous if he wanted to   
be. The body bucked again, nearly shaking her completely off, but   
thankfully she'd taken up light weightlifting a couple of years back.   
  
Using her leg to lock herself onto the bed, she tried not to yell at   
Lucy. The young student was doing the best she could with a patient   
that seemed intent on keeping the needle out of his spine. "Go ahead."   
  
Lucy slowly inserted the needle, pausing with it only half way in.   
"There's something blocking it."   
  
Kerry cursed under her breath as Sobriki's yelling went up another   
level, this time directed at her. "Just keep going."   
  
Lucy nodded absently and pushed. The needle didn't move at first, but   
after a moment it went the rest of the way in. "I've got it." She   
quickly drew the sample of fluid and pulled the needle out. "It's   
clear."   
  
Kerry let go of the patient with relief. Holding him herself hadn't   
been one of her brighter ideas; next time she was going to get Malik to   
do it. She moved Lucy over to the door, trying to keep her voice down.   
"Go get Lydia to run it up to the lab and then call psych."   
  
"I thought we were checking for encephalitis?"   
  
"We are, but I'd like to get a psych evaluation on him. Just in case."   
There was something about Sobriki that bothered her, but no matter how   
much she tried to figure out what it was she couldn't pinpoint it. "Oh,   
and Lucy? Good job."   
  
Lucy smiled at her and slowly walked off, leaving Kerry alone with   
Sobriki. The short redhead ran a hand absently through her hair before   
glancing over at the angry glare directed at her. Just one more person   
that hated her.   
  
  
  
Lucy hung the phone, up trying not to show her aggravation. The whole   
hospital was backed up, including psych. Which meant it could be hours   
before they got around to sending someone down. Dr. Weaver wouldn't be   
happy about that.   
  
"I can take a look at that patient of yours now."   
  
Lucy glanced over at Carter, trying not to glare at him. All day he'd   
been too busy to help her, not that she could blame him. It had been a   
day of absurdities and confusion. But that didn't mean she had to   
forgive him either. "Don't bother. Dr. Weaver's helping me." She took   
great satisfaction from the bewilderment on his face.   
  
"She isn't supposed to be in until tonight."   
  
"I know." Lucy started back towards the lounge with Carter at her side.   
She was going to milk this for all it was worth.   
  
"Then what is she doing here?"   
  
"I told you, helping me."   
  
Carter grabbed her arm before she could enter the room. "You're telling   
me that Dr. Weaver came in today just to help you with some patient?"   
  
Lucy wasn't about to admit that she'd actually ambushed the older woman   
as she was leaving. If she did, Carter would only get angry and scold   
her. "I guess Dr. Weaver is actually dedicated to people who want to   
learn."   
  
"She never did anything like that for me..."   
  
Lucy paused in the doorway and smiled innocently at him. "Maybe she   
just doesn't want to waste her time on pretty boys suffering from   
George Clooney envy and dementia of godhood."   
  
Carter stared at the door as it slammed in his face. 'Who the hell is   
George Clooney?'   
  
  
  
Kerry scribbled on the file in front of her trying not to smile as Lucy   
came in. The young student reminded her of herself when she was just   
starting out. Especially when she'd told off Carter just then.   
  
"George Clooney, huh?"   
  
Lucy studied the older woman, momentarily unsure whether she was angry   
or not. Most of the time you could read her easily, but sometimes you   
couldn't. The humorous glint in her eyes made her relax somewhat. "It   
was all I could think of."   
  
"Good improvisation." Kerry understood that method well. Half the time   
she got into verbal arguments or told someone off, she was just making   
it up. The other half, what she said didn't really describe the person.   
"Just remember, it isn't what you say but how you say it."   
  
Lucy grinned at that. The bitch of the ER was giving her advice on how   
to bark. The heavy tug of charts under her arm reminded her of all the   
patients she still had. "Psych said that they're backed up."   
  
Kerry grinned, conspiratorially. "If they're not down here in an hour,   
then I'll show you how to get them moving."   
  
Lucy could just imagine how someone like Weaver got things done. In   
fact, she'd even been on the receiving end of her tactics a few times.   
"Great, but I still have other patients..."   
  
"Go, I'll keep an eye on young Mr. Sobriki." Kerry watched Lucy   
scamper off. She had never been one to go out of her way to help just   
anybody. Much less give up her day off for a med student that probably   
wouldn't even work in the ER.   
  
So why was she?   
  
  
  
He watched the white stuff fall onto the ground through the glass   
doors. Each flake that fell made him more and more afraid. It seemed so   
familiar, something he'd once loved, but now... A tall red head wearing   
a long dark coat screamed out as the white ball exploded on her   
shoulder. The tall bald man laughing as she threw another ball at him.   
  
His heart began to speed up as the fear and agitation increased. He   
could hear the pounding in his ears barely covering his harsh   
breathing.   
  
"Mr. Sobriki..."   
  
'NO!!' He stared at the redhead with the crutch and took a step back,   
eyeing the metal pole in her hand. She wanted to hurt him, she had hurt   
him. He needed to protect himself.   
  
"...What are you doing out of your room?" Kerry felt a slight chill   
under his gaze but shook it off as nerves. Grabbing his arm, she began   
to guide him back to his room.   
  
He slowly let her drag him inside. She wasn't going to be easy to get   
away from. He jerked his arm away from her and climbed onto the bed,   
glaring at the offender. He would just have to bide his time if he was   
going to make sure she didn't hurt him anymore.   
  
  
  
Lucy yawned against the back of her hand and drained the rest of her   
coffee. It was already six o'clock and she was ready to go home.   
Unfortunately, she still had Sobriki to see about. The evil grin   
emerged as she left the lounge; it was time to learn how to get psych   
to jump.   
  
She spotted Weaver next to the admittance desk, glaring at Mark as he   
stormed away. He'd been adamant about leaving early to be with his   
girlfriend. She could understand his wanting to leave, but with him   
brushing her off she found herself on Weaver's side.   
  
"Lucy, there you are. I was just about to page you. I'm going to run   
upstairs and see if I can't get Deraad down here. We'll meet you in   
exam three."   
  
Lucy frowned slightly. Dr. Weaver had been going out of her way for her   
all day; it wasn't right for her to have to go all the way upstairs.   
"I'll go."   
  
Kerry eyed her thoughtfully. She really shouldn't let the young girl go   
upstairs by herself; she'd never handled something like this before. On   
the other hand, she'd stood up to Carter earlier and did pretty well.   
"All right. Here's what you do..."   
  
  
  
Lucy charged off the elevator, trying to keep her nerves under control.   
She narrowed her eyes like Weaver had shown her and stormed into   
Deraad's office, not stopping as the nurse yelled out at her.   
  
The graying man looked up in surprise, his hand loosening on the   
receiver. Lucy snatched it out of his grasp and slammed it into its   
cradle.   
  
"What...?"   
  
"Dr. Weaver called for a psych evaluation almost two hours ago. Your   
inability to conduct that simple task has caused the ER to become   
heavily backed up." Lucy leaned on the desk and lowered her voice. "If   
you don't get down there right now, I will personally take your phone   
and shove up your..."   
  
"I see Kerry's been coaching you."   
  
Lucy lost her train of thought at his smirk. Clamping down on her   
thoughts, she gritted her teeth. "Whether Weaver's been coaching me or   
not is beside the point. I have a patient down there who needs help,   
and if you don't give it to him, then dealing with Weaver will seem   
like a day in the park! Is that understood, doctor?"   
  
Deraad's face twitched momentarily before he began to chuckle. "Then I   
guess I'd better see about this patient of yours, just let me take care   
of another patient first."   
  
Lucy crossed her arms and scowled at him.   
  
"I promise it'll only take a few minutes."   
  
Lucy relented reluctantly and followed after him. She was going to keep   
an eye on him and make sure he kept his word.   
  
  
  
Kerry paused outside exam three and stared. Even with the blinds   
closed, she should have still been able to see the lights to the room.   
The dark shadows that seemed to color the gray blinds indicated that   
the lights were off.   
  
Reaching for the doorknob, she slowly opened the door, glaring into the   
darkness searching for the patient. The shadows covered the bed from   
her eyes, forcing her to enter to the room. "Mr. Sobriki?"   
  
The sliver of light from the door shrank quickly against the soft   
shuffle of bare feet on the floor.   
  
Kerry let out her breath, not realizing she had been holding it. She   
forced her body to relax and she turned to him. "What are you doing   
with the lights off?" She frowned at the glazed-over eyes that flashed   
at her through the darkness and stepped up to him, gently laying a hand   
on his shoulder. "Mr. Sobriki?"   
  
He slowly looked in her direction, his left arm sliding from behind his   
back to his side. "I won't let you hurt me again..."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

Title: Be Still My Heart What If..   
Parts: 3/?   
Rating: Pg-13   
Pairing: Weaver, Lucy, Carter   
Beta Reader: Scotty Welles, Leyla   
  
Notes: I finally got my new glasses, *bg*   
  
Disclaimer: They're mine so * sticks tongue out*   
  
  
  
The burning in her chest intensified with each breath, the fight in her   
decreasing with every second that went by. Her eyelids were growing   
heavy under the blanket of intense pain, driving her closer and closer   
to darkness, whatever lay beyond.   
  
She focused on the far door that was closed and tried to scream, to cry   
out. Anything to let someone know that she was hurt. The inhuman croak   
that emerged was barely loud enough for her own ears.   
  
Her eyes drooped closed even as she felt herself slip away. 'I wonder   
if anyone will even care...' The burning hot liquid rolling down her   
near numb cheeks... unable to believe it could end like this...   
  
It would not end like this...   
  
  
  
John ran a hand over his face wearily. He couldn't get Weaver off his   
mind. He'd only lived with her for a short time, but he believed that   
during that time they had developed a close relationship. She had   
taught him how to cook, or at least had tried.   
  
They had spent many a night talking over a long glass of wine. She'd   
eased up on the mask she kept so tightly in place at work and he, in   
turn, had shared parts of himself that he also kept hidden.   
  
He glared down at exam three. She had pushed him   
away the minute she'd received her promotion, and in doing so he'd lost   
a relationship that he'd come to depend on. Now she was developing that   
same type of relationship with his student. Why? Why was she willing   
to lock him out to only take another under her wing?   
  
He felt the smooth wood of the lounge door under his palm, trying to   
make his body enter. He was off now, he could go home and steam. His   
feet began to move on their own, rushing towards the offending exam   
room.   
  
He dodged past Lydia with barely a glance and sped up. The door raced   
at him in a haze, his hand already starting to grip the dim knob.   
  
"Hey, Carter..."   
  
John glared at the door before turning back to Malucci. "What is it?"   
  
Malucci grinned wryly. "Dr. Kovac wants to see you."   
  
John glanced back at the door and spun back, starting to follow   
Malucci. His steps faltered slightly.   
  
"Yo, Carter you coming?"   
  
"Did you hear that?" Carter cocked his head straining for even the   
slightest hint of noise.   
  
"Hear what?"   
  
"Like someone in a lot of pain..." He shivered slightly at the thought   
of what could cause such pain in a person.   
  
"Dude, we're in a hospital, everyone's in pain."   
  
Carter watched him strutting off and sighed. He was sure he'd heard it.   
A whimper or... He couldn't place it. It sounded so familiar though.   
Shrugging it off, he started towards the front desk, unable to suppress   
the feeling of dread.   
  
  
  
Lucy checked her watch, making sure that Dr. Deraad saw. It had been   
fifteen minutes and counting. Weaver would not be pleased. The only   
good thing was that at least she'd get to see the redhead chew him out.   
Well, good as long as she wasn't the one on the receiving end of   
her...suggestions.   
  
Deraad calmly walked out of the curtain area and slowly began the walk   
towards exam three. Not letting Lucy's obvious signs of frustration   
bother him, only making her more put out. Lucy tried to ignore him and   
focused on their destination.   
  
The details of the door. The blinds pulled closed with dark shadows on   
them, an indication that the lights were off. A lesson she'd learned   
the hard way. She frowned at that thought. Why would the lights be off?   
Maybe Dr. Weaver had turned them off, after all the lights had seemed   
to be bothering Paul.   
  
The doorknob seemed dimmer somehow, as though the metal surface had   
been stained by a dark substance. There were no noises she could hear,   
but then again they were still ten feet away. Her frown deepened even   
more as she started to feel the growing feeling of fear. Even from ten   
feet away, she should have been able to hear something.   
  
Paul's pacing, his constant mumbling or groans. Dr. Weaver's voice   
echoing through the room or halls as she tried to soothe him, while she   
ordered the many nurses and personal about. The light but constant   
rapping of her crutch as she swiftly moved around.   
  
Her eyes dropped in thought, freezing at what she saw. Her breathing   
sped up even as her arm shot out, painfully gripping the psychiatrist's   
arm.   
  
"What...?" He followed her gaze and stopped walking at the sight of a   
bloody footprint.   
  
Lucy sped up to a jog, making the five feet and throwing the door open.   
The room was pitch black, making it impossible to see anything. She   
reached over, groping for the light switch. Her fingers hit it as her   
eyes began to make out a puddle of something dark by the bed.   
  
She flicked on the light, listening to the scream ringing out through   
the ER. She wondered why the voice wouldn't stop. Her eyes were locked   
onto the body lying on the floor as she tried to place the owner of the   
voice.   
  
"Lucy, what's...?"   
  
She recognized Carter's voice behind her in the doorway, equally   
concerned that something was wrong and annoyed that she was making such   
a racket. But before she could turn to him and explain the horrifying   
sight she'd discovered, it became obvious he'd already seen it himself.   
  
"KERRY!! Oh God, what the hell happened?!" he yelled, pushing past her   
to kneel by the bleeding woman's side.   
  
"I don't know!" Lucy gasped. "I just left her with a patient, and   
then..." She knew she should be treating the situation professionally,   
diagnosing the injured woman, but the shock of it had her by the   
throat. "I went to get Dr. Deraad, and..."   
  
"Lucy, shut up and get some help!" Carter yelled at her, interrupting.   
"Get a gurney, now! GO! RUN!!"   
  
Spurred into action by her former teacher's voice, Lucy spun to the   
doorway, only to collide with Malik, who entered with a backboard and   
C-collar. Lydia and Chuny were behind him, with other necessary   
supplies. She caught sight of Deraad in the hallway, staying back to   
allow the nurses entrance, and realized that he must have run to get   
help while she was screaming helplessly.   
  
"Jesus, Kerry, stay with us," Carter pleaded even as his hands worked   
to stanch the flow of blood. "Stay with me..."   
  
The motions should have been familiar, rolling her onto the backboard,   
lifting her to the gurney, rushing her to the Trauma rooms, but it had   
the slow-motion, disconnected feel of a nightmare. It reminded Carter   
of the time she'd collapsed from benzene exposure, leaving him and Anna   
to save her life and a hundred others. That had been disturbing   
enough, and that was long before he got to know Kerry as a person, as a   
friend.   
  
Kerry's eyes were open, looking at him, but she made no sound, and he   
didn't know if she could see him or not. She's still breathing, he   
told himself. She has a chance. I won't fail her. I can't fail her.   
  



	4. Default Chapter Title

Title: Be Still My Heart What If..   
Part: 4/?   
Pairing: Lucy, Weaver, Carter   
Beta Reader: Scotty Welles.   
Rating: Pg-13   
  
Disclaimers: They're mine so nanananana........   
  
  
  
  
Lucy closed her eyes against the tears that were running freely. She   
wanted to help, to be in there with the others, working to save Dr.   
Weaver. Her first response after they'd rushed toward trauma one had   
been to charge after them. Carter had taken only a moment to order her   
out. She'd just stood there until he'd lashed out at her.   
  
It wasn't that he'd never yelled at her, it was just he'd never   
attacked her like that. With that edge of desperation and near-panic.   
His eyes had been the worst. Wild and scared. She had backed toward the   
door watching as Weaver crashed.   
  
Carter's panic rising while everyone worked to save her, to save one of   
their own. Lucy's body being pushed aside as Kovac raced in, his dark   
complexion paling as he saw who it was, saw her laying there lifeless.   
  
Malucci not far behind him. His hands clapping together in the trauma   
room with smugness. "Nothing like the smell of a fresh trauma to start   
your shift..." The way he'd pushed Lydia aside to take over incubating   
her and the look of horror on his face.   
  
Lucy had watched his unshakable loftiness collapse as he dropped the   
instruments to the floor and wheezed. "Ch-chief..." Malucci had backed   
up and run from the room, audibly getting sick into one of the nearby   
hazard bins.   
  
She'd finally backed away from the scene playing out in front of her,   
sitting on the floor across from the doors, keeping guard. Malucci   
joining her shortly after. Helpless to do anything except listen to the   
flatline and the electrical charges as they shot through Weaver's body.   
  
Malucci reached over, gripping her hand tightly. "The chief's strong,   
she'll make it."   
  
  
  
Carter stood in the middle of the trauma room, staring at the empty   
table. She'd crashed three times, each time it had taken them longer to   
revive her. Each time he had nearly broken down.   
  
He slowly peeled the blood-soaked gloves off, letting them fall to the   
floor. He should go upstairs, he should be there when they brought her   
out of surgery. Then who'd cover the ER? Both Malucci and Lucy were too   
shaken up to be of any help.   
  
He jerked off the protective glasses, letting them join the rest of his   
scrubs on the floor. His clothes felt heavy, clinging to his body from   
her blood. He paused just outside the doors, feeling the bile fighting   
to rise.   
  
The ER was silent except for the soft murmurs of the detectives.   
Everyone was in shock. Even the normally racy Randi was just sitting   
behind the desk. The nurses and other doctors were standing around   
waiting, now wearing various scrubs.   
  
There was nothing else to do. The police were only letting in patients   
brought in by ambulance. Carter watched as Lydia dropped her head. It   
was probably better that way. No one here was up to dealing with   
anything, at least until they knew what was happening with Weaver.   
  
"Here..." Carter took the scrubs that Malucci handed him. The younger   
man was staring at the blood on Carter's clothes, looking like he was   
going to get sick again.   
  
Carter numbly made his way toward the locker rooms, stripping off his   
expensive clothes as he made his way towards the showers. He turned on   
the water, letting it heat the suddenly cold room, steam surrounding   
his tired body.   
  
He pushed his palms against the chilly tiles and let the first sobs   
retch through his wet body. Each sob came harder than the last. If he'd   
only trusted his instincts and gone into the exam room maybe he could   
have stopped the attack. If he'd only paid more attention to Lucy then   
it would've been him lying there instead.   
  
He just couldn't shake the image of her lying there in a puddle of her   
own blood. Gazing at him in pain and confusion. Carter slipped to the   
floor, curling up and let go of all of the emotions he'd tried to hide.   
  
The wounds shouldn't have made her crash so many times. She was strong,   
strong enough to fight this, to fight death. Why wasn't she trying   
harder? Carter leaned his head and felt his panic rise.   
  
The week he started moving out, he'd lost a patient. He'd spent four   
hours working on her trying to save her. Her wounds had been bad enough   
to be life-threatening, but not bad enough that she shouldn't have   
died.   
  
Kerry had sighed heavily. "When I was first starting out, I lost a   
patient. There was no apparent reason why. One of the doctors at the   
clinic was a shaman. You know what he told me?"   
  
John shook his head without any real interest.   
  
"Sometimes the soul is too sick for the body to be saved."   
  
John stood up at the loud bang that echoed around him. Someone had just   
come into the shower room, letting the door slam. What if it was the   
guy responsible for Kerry's current problem? His breathing sped up as   
the fear became rage. Not caring about his nudity, he glanced around   
for some sort of weapon with which to defend himself. If he could get   
his hands on the bastard who'd stabbed Kerry...   
  
Nothing but his towel came to hand, but he held it under the water,   
letting it gain weight as it soaked. It wasn't the most effective of   
clubs, but swung hard enough, it could still stun an attacker. He   
inched into the locker room, spotting the dark-haired man bending over   
to pick up his clothes.   
  
A loud scream ripped from Carter's throat, the improvised weapon   
swinging in his hand. The man spun around to him, blocking his wrist   
before the towel could connect. Carter pushed forward. How dare he   
hurt his friend? How dare he come into this haven and hurt her?   
  
A torrent of Croatian filled his ears, pain exploded across his face,   
and he fell back. Kovac's hand pulled back, ready to slap him a second   
time. "Jesus, Carter, what are you doing?! Are you trying to kill   
someone?"   
  
Sanity returned as it sank into Carter's head that he was assaulting   
one of his colleagues, an attending, no less. "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Dr.   
Kovac. I...I thought maybe it was...after what happened to Dr.   
Weaver..."   
  
Luka nodded, releasing Carter's wrist. "Okay, I can understand that.   
Just next time, look before you leap, all right?"   
  
"Sure, I'm really sorry." Mortified more for his unprovoked attack   
than his nakedness, Carter wrapped the sodden towel around himself.   
"Were you looking for me?"   
  
"We've got MVA's in route. A man wearing a hospital gown ran out into   
the interstate. I've sent Lucy upstairs and with Kerry... I've paged   
Mark."   
  
"Okay, I'll, uh, I'll be there in a minute," Carter said, nodding   
mutely.   
  
"Don't be too long, they'll be here shortly."   
  
"Yeah, just give me a minute, okay?" Carter could feel himself   
starting to shake as the adrenaline rush subsided.   
  
Kovac met his gaze, then left the locker room. Carter could see how   
much effort it was taking for the older man to keep going.   
  
Carter sat on the bench next to his scrubs, trying to pull himself   
together. There was no excuse for losing it like that, he told   
himself. Even if you are worried sick about Kerry. What would she   
think of you for that? And people need your help.   
  
He reached for his scrubs, uncaring that he wasn't dry yet.   
  
  
  
  



	5. Default Chapter Title

Title: Be Still My Heart What If   
Part: 5/5   
Rating: pg-13   
Beta Reader: Scotty Welles   
  
Disclaimer: Mine mine mine and mine. Hahahahhahaha   
  
  
  
Randi laid the phone back in its cradle, still staring at the clock.   
She'd just paged Dr. Greene; if he left now he could be here in about   
fifteen minutes. He'd left work early, to go on some romantic dinner   
with Dr. Corday, against Dr. Weaver's orders. Randi'd been sitting   
right there during their fight.   
  
She'd never heard Dr. Greene say things like that. He had been   
deliberately mean, saying things that were cruel and unnecessary,   
before he finally stormed out. Screaming that he wished she'd never   
come to Chicago.   
  
"Randi? Has there been any news yet?"   
  
Randi looked at a pale Lydia and shook her head, still not trusting her   
voice. Everyone had pulled together in the last hour, forgetting any   
quarrels, or personal agendas. Even the usually childish Malucci was   
being serious and quiet, speaking only when he had to.   
  
Randi rubbed her eyes wearily. What she wouldn't give for a drink right   
now? Carter she could've understood, Lucy, Lydia, Carol, even Greene.   
But not Weaver. Sharp tongued, sharper tempered. The ER Drill Sergeant.   
  
The phone cut through her thoughts. Randi snatched it up urgently; it   
could be news. She could see everyone stop and move closer to hear.   
"ER," she hissed softly as Dr. Greene's agitated voice spoke. "No,   
Weaver didn't page you... Dr. Kovac... There's been an...accident, you   
need to get up here now." Randi gripped the desk, her emotions   
beginning to bubble up. "No, YOU look. As of 20 minutes ago, we're   
short three doctors and one med student. So you get your fucking ass up   
here now or I'll let a very pissed off Romano deal with you!"   
  
Randi slammed the phone back down trying to calm down. She'd just told   
off one of her superiors, that couldn't be a good thing. Although the   
thing about Romano wasn't too far from the truth. From what she'd heard   
Romano had been chewing out everyone and anything before he'd put   
himself in charge of her surgery. She could just imagine what he'd do   
to Greene if he decided not to respond to his page.   
  
Now if they could just save Weaver.   
  
  
  
Abby began to yank supplies off the shelves. She hadn't let her mind   
think about Weaver too much in fear that she would end up like the rest   
of the ER. Walking around in a shocked daze, holding a silent mass for   
the woman that had brought order to their chaotic job.   
  
The harsh redhead had been the one dependable thing in this place.   
Everyone knew when she would yell, when she would be pleased, when to   
argue with her, and when not to. You could expect her to be twenty   
minutes early for her shift, except when it was the day after her day   
off, then she'd be thirty minutes early.   
  
She slammed the box of gauze back onto the shelf, trying to hold back   
the watery feeling in her eyes. She didn't cry, she never cried. She   
stared hard at the writing. Studying the white and blue box, the red   
dripping...   
  
She watched another drop of blood fall and splatter. Covering the black   
writing. Her instincts screamed at her to just walk away but her head   
was already lifting up. Searching for the source of the blood. The   
glint of metal reflected from the top shelf confirming her suspicions.   
  
"Uh...excuse me..."   
  
The nearby cop looked over at her with disinterest. Clearly not wanting   
to be bothered by the little lady as he'd referred to her earlier.   
  
"I think I've found the weapon..."   
  
The cop grabbed his belt, hitching it up with a bored expression, then   
tugged at his crotch causing his pants to fall right back into the same   
position. "Is that right, little girl?" The southern accent was now a   
long drawl so heavy she could barely understand him.   
  
"There's a knife up here covered in blood."   
  
The young man flicked his police hat, causing it to fall back and   
snorted with a small grin. "Sure there is."   
  
Abby closed her eyes trying to keep from swinging at the bastard. Not   
that it would be a bad thing, hell the other cops probably wouldn't   
even care. They had been avoiding the guy since he'd showed up.   
  
"What seems to be the problem here?"   
  
Abby glanced over at Detective Murphy gratefully. "I found the weapon."   
  
  
Murphy glared over at Jones, they were going to have a nice long talk   
later.   
  
  
  
Carter paced out of the ER into the winter night, flashing his ID badge   
at the police barricade. He hadn't even bothered to put a jacket on   
over his scrubs. He didn't have the energy. Peter had kicked him out,   
promising to page him the second they knew something.   
  
He saw Dr. Greene's van pull up, both him and Corday jumping out in a   
rush as they saw the barricade. One of the cops stopping them demanding   
to see there badges. He brushed his red-shot eyes, not wanting them to   
see the tears that had been flowing on and off for the last hour.   
  
They finally got their badges out and raced toward him. He could   
already hear their unasked question, not wanting to be the one to tell   
them. Not wanting to talk to Greene to begin with. The balding man had   
yelled at her, told her to go back to Africa.   
  
"Carter, what the hell is going on here?"   
  
Carter glared at Mark and kept going. Let the bastard find out from   
Randi, or Kovac. Kovac, the traitor, was working on Sobriki. Carter   
stepped into the street, ignoring the screeching brakes and blaring   
horns.   
  
All that mattered was that one of the few people who knew him as a   
person, knew him as the man he really is, was lying in an OR fighting   
for her life.   
  
  
  
Mark approached the front desk Elizabeth keeping pace easily. He   
watched as a police officer walked by carrying a large bag with a long,   
bloody butcher knife. The ER was strangely quiet, most of the staff   
missing.   
  
Even Randi's racy attitude was replaced by a quiet solemnness. She was   
answering the phones on the first ring. That in itself told him   
something was seriously wrong. "Randi, what the hell is going on around   
here?"   
  
The clerk stared at him for a long moment. "Maybe you should talk   
to..."   
  
"I'm asking you."   
  
Randi sighed and slumped back, they were not going to like this.   
  
  
  
Carter raised the cup of straight coffee and gulped it down in one long   
take, the scalding liquid burning its way down into his uneasy stomach.   
It made him feel something besides the numb that had engulfed him   
shortly after she'd been taken up to surgery.   
  
"Mind if we join you?"   
  
Carter glanced up at Abby and Malucci, trying to figure them out.   
Malucci's eyes were suspiciously puffy and red. His normal slouch was   
now correct posture, standing straight and tall. He hated the young   
man's brash and cavalier attitude but tonight he had shown that he was   
capable of deeper emotions. "Has there been any news?"   
  
Malucci slid in next to Abby, keeping his hands laid safely on the   
table. "No, nothing."   
  
"Guess who broke the news to the twins?" Abby smiled softly at them.   
"Randi."   
  
Malucci chuckled. He had been 'conveniently' standing near by when   
they'd found out. Greene had actually suggested that this had to be   
some elaborate prank to get back at him. When Randi simply turned away   
and started to do paperwork, he'd paled considerably then made a   
beeline for the elevators with Corday right on his tail.   
  
"That must have been interesting."   
  
  
  
"Lucy?" Mark sat in the chair next to the young med student. He wasn't   
sure what to say or do. His own conscience was struggling with his own   
guilt and regret from what he'd said to his colleague earlier. "It   
wasn't your fault."   
  
Nothing. Her glazed-over eyes were staring unblinking at the poster   
that Romano had put up last year. 'God gave you life but doctors   
preserve it.'   
  
"Sometimes our job can be dangerous, and Kerry knew that when she chose   
to go into emergency services. Your patient was just like all the   
others and there was no way you could've known just how dangerous he   
was."   
  
"I saw Dr. Weaver this morning. She'd forgotten some files. I knew it   
was her day off but I went after her anyway. She tried to ignore me but   
I didn't let her... I was just so desperate for some sort of help...   
For someone to actually take the time and answer my question's without   
them getting impatient with me... If I hadn't forced her..."   
  
Mark smiled remembering how Kerry had gone after Susan. "Lucy, you   
didn't force Kerry into staying, in fact nobody can force her into   
anything. All you did was offer her the chance to teach. A passion that   
Kerry has always loved."   
  
Lucy tore her eyes away from the poster to stare at him. She wasn't   
quite ready to forgive him for his behavior earlier but she didn't   
resent him as much as she had. Besides something told her that he was   
doing a pretty good job of beating himself up over it.   
  
She stiffened as Romano walked into view. His jaw was set in that way   
that indicated he was struggling with his emotions, which was a bad   
sign. His steps faltered in the doorway, deftly avoiding Lucy's gaze.   
  
"Is she...?"   
  
Romano raised his eyes to hers and pulled off the blue and white scrub   
cap.   
  
  
  
Carter smiled at Lydia's recount of the Halloween prank war. No one   
could prove who the phantom prankster had been but the consensus was   
that Weaver was responsible. Especially after she found her locker   
super-glued shut.   
  
Lydia's laughter faded off as she stared at the door. Gradually Malucci   
and the others quieted everyone staring behind him. Carter swallowed   
and turned around. Peter was standing there searching the diner for...   
something.   
  
Peter punched his hand and let out a sigh. Carter felt his heart   
tightening against his chest and stood up to face his mentor. He   
couldn't let himself believe that Kerry was... that she could be...   
  
  
  
Lucy leaned her forehead against the large picture window that lined   
the wall. Dr. Weaver's bright red hair glowed dully under the soft   
lights of the room. She was so still, her body like a corpse.   
  
"She's lucky." Elizabeth joined Lucy at the window. "If the knife had   
gone in an inch to the right it would've hit her spine. As it is, he   
almost nicked her heart."   
  
"Will she be okay?"   
  
"I think she will." Elizabeth squeezed Lucy's shoulder and nodded   
towards Kerry's prone body. "Kerry's a survivor, and she has us here to   
support her."   
  
Lucy smiled with relief. Maybe things would work out after all.   
  
  
  
Randi hung up the phone and smiled. She never had any doubt that Weaver   
would survive. As her mother used to say, 'she's just to ornery to   
die.'   
  
  
  
Carter slipped into the dark living room, running his hand over the   
soft, black leather couch. He dropped his coat onto the recliner next   
to it and walked over to the stereo system. Kerry had left it turned   
on. He reached up and pressed play. The soft music filling the   
townhouse.   
  
Since he was the closest person to Kerry, Dr. Kovac had left him in   
charge of notifying any relatives. After checking her file, they'd   
found that there were no emergency numbers listed. He walked to the   
small room she used as an office.   
  
He sat behind the large antique desk and pulled the address book from   
the top drawer. He grinned to himself. She was always so meticulous,   
even at home, and she would be coming back home. Maybe not right away,   
but soon.   
  



End file.
